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The Sacred Order of Geeks

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The Sacred Orders of Geek

Spawned from the union of yesterday's memes and obsessive technophiles, the mythical empire of Geekdom has been steadily expanding for decades, evolving and diversifying at each turn. Though hailing from different territories of geek, each new variety marches under the same banner. Check out some of the diverse inhabitants of Geektopia and see where you fit in.

Das Ubergeek

  • The one geek to rule them all
  • Has multiple Linux builds on multiple hard drive partitions
  • Fluently codes in 5+ languages while listening to recordings of Neil deGrasse Tyson breathing

Apple Fanboy Geek

  • Uses the word "intuitive" as often as possible
  • Doesn't technically know what a megahertz is, but waxes notalgic for all 300 his bright-orange iBook boasted
  • Though unemployed, can be spotted wandering around the Apple Store helping customers

Chic Geek

  • Paired oxfords with shorts before seeing it on The Satorialist
  • Knows the chefs by name at top-rated restaurants
  • Has never set foot in an Old Navy

Cosplay Geek

  • Flashes battleaxe / cleavage in every photo
  • Will have you know that anime is more than "just tentacle porn"
  • Can be spotted downing Redbulls after pulling an all-nighter putting the finishing touches on a codpiece

Star Wars Geek

  • Knows that the 12 parsecs of Han Solo's Kessel Run are a distance, not time, measurement
  • Owns an old VHS cassette of Return of the Jedi with suspiciously worn out sections of tape due to excessive rewinding and resuming
  • At war with Trekkie Geeks

Trekkie Geek

  • Knows over 10 ways to say "honor" in Klingon
  • Only consumes "hard" science fiction, none of that "soft" drivel
  • At war with Star Wars Geeks

Pop Culture Geek

  • Knew about Britney Spears' divorce before even she did
  • Has applied to The Real World for five consecutive years
  • Knows the entire history of the Kardashian dynasty

Sports Geek

  • Owns a baseball card collection more impressive than any 13 year old boy's
  • Though not physically able to play sports, destroys his alpha male counterpoints every fantasy season
  • Knows what beer pairs best with each professional sports league

Film Geek

  • Knew who Jim Jarmusch was before Coffee and Cigarettes
  • Won't permit the eating of food during screenings
  • Will tell anyone who'll listen that "3D is destroying film's artistry"

Encyclopedia Geek

  • Spends upwards of two hours every day browsing random Wikipedia articles
  • Kills conversations daily with phrases like "That reminds me of Ibn Battuta's 14th century exploration of Galata"
  • Thinks Jeopardy! is too mainstream

Music Geek

  • Knows the difference between math rock and mathcore
  • Scours online auctions for obscure 70's ambient electronica vinyls
  • Claims to possess a vial of spit from Donald Fagen's saxophone

Gamer Geek

  • Shouts "+1 mana" after every chugged Mountain Dew Code Red
  • Thinks Final Fantasy VII is the greatest story ever told
  • Plays DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball for the "physics engine"

Gadget Geek

  • Likes any device that can be described as "modular"
  • Brings a solar powered shower camping
  • Subscribes to Popular Mechanics and shops at The Sharper Image

Comic Book Geek

  • Claims to have once touched a copy of Action Comics No. 1
  • Knows the entire history and mythology of the Marvel and DC universes
  • Can accurately predict the outcome of any hypothetical battle between any two superheroes

Craft Geek

  • Calls televisions "picture boxes"
  • Can knit from zero to bivouac in 6.8 seconds
  • Is on a first-name basis with the staff at Jo-Ann Fabrics and Home Depot

Internet Geek

  • Identifies with either 4chan or Reddit, but never Digg
  • Takes an unhealthy amount of pride in discovering new content before anyone else
  • Reads infographics aboug geeks